the other way

I’m really trying quite hard to remain the patient sort of angry….but it’s running out pretty quickly.

Friday, I got this e-mail:

I was pretty confused, because the limited information I’d received from them indicated that I would have to go down there to meet with my advisor to register for classes sometime this summer. So, someone I’d never met just completed my registration? Do you have me confused with someone else? Also, why are you even sending this e-mail, since there was no digital version of said “hard copy” that I should receive this week? I decided that maybe it wasn’t as bad as it sounded and that I’d wait for the hard copy before I jumped to any conclusions.

Nope. It’s just as bad as it sounds. And worse.

I’ve been picking my own classes and designing my own schedule since I was 14, and suddenly it was done for me. I realize that I’m pretty stubborn and can be controlling, but my education is really important to me and is also a point of personal pride, so not having a hand in picking an entire semester is not sitting well with me. 

This is the schedule I’ve been assigned. 

The good news is that it looks like this as far as day-to-day goes, which I’m pretty happy with.

The bad news is that this isn’t my schedule. I don’t mean that as a bitchy way of saying that I didn’t pick it out, I mean that I have it in writing that I won’t be taking a few of these classes, and I do not have to be in Millikin Women, I get to audition for other choirs. Also, this schedule doesn’t even make me full time.

I’ve calmed down writing this, but when I saw all this I was so upset and angry that I just wanted to cry and throw things and yell at whoever did this. I’m not even mad at that person/people though, and I’m not mad at Millikin either. I’m just so frustrated with this process. This ugly process, which I’ve been going through for over 14 months now. I just want to be in, doing what I love, on my way to doing more of what I love. I’m finally close enough to taste it, and that just makes it all the more frustrating when I encounter roadblocks.

Roadblocks I have yet to surpass:

• The mess pictured above
• A meal plan
• Probably more AP scores
• When is transfer orientation? I still have no idea.
• Also, it would be good to know where I’ll be living.

I can sew decently. I take in my own clothes all the time, I’ve made dresses and skirts and entire outfits before. Not super complicated ones, but they’ve turned out pretty well.

My weakness is that I cannot understand pattern instructions worth a damn. It seems like they’re always written in over-complicated language that I can’t translate. Actually, I literally can’t even read it. I would do all the required steps if I knew what they were!

I just want to finish this hat, and I really need to finish it tomorrow. I wanted it done tonight, but this is such a bad snag in my plans. Everything is cut and ready to go and I feel like I’m working blind.

That should probably be some metaphor for life, but it’s not. 
It’s not even relevant. I wore neither a good outfit nor bad hair today.
I just thought it sounded cool.

I’m frustrated.

I’m frustrated because I don’t really half-ass anything, even if I’m getting paid minimum wage for it, and the fact that there is more to do than there are hours in the payroll really bothers me.

I’m frustrated because everything in my life is temporary. Life itself is temporary, but everything right now is so super-temporary, it’s almost transient. It’s hard to settle down or to relax.

I’m frustrated because I am out of sight and therefore out of mind. I am fortunate enough to have people that care a lot about me, but they’re all far away or super insanely busy or both and then some. They don’t see me because they can’t see me, and they don’t think of me because they can’t see me. They still love me the same, as I do them, but…I wish I had a friend here who could spare just an hour a week to let me know I’m not vanishing from the planet.

I’m frustrated because I feel like people in general have life figured out backwards and in an overcomplicated manner. They try to put into categories what belongs on a spectrum and try to elaborate on yes-or-no questions. I keep seeing it around me and knowing I’m smiling because I don’t see it the same way…but I want everyone to smile, so just stop thinking and live, okay?

On a lighter note: I’m going to the local park district tomorrow and applying to volunteer to coach basketball for little kids. I used to do this on the weekends [but not at the park district], and it was a really fulfilling experience, so I’ll be pretty excited if it turns out I can do it again!

I don’t understand how people can teach themselves instruments. It’s quite frustrating.

My fingers don’t really bend or stretch the right way. And nothing sounds right [yes, my guitar is tuned]. Gahhhhhh.

I’m confused.

And I think my fingers are just too short and fat and stubby. Except boys have way bigger fingers than me, and lots of boys play guitar, so that can’t be it. Maybe my hands are too small [I would not be surprised].

Why did I even decide this was a good idea?

Now I’m just upset. I hate computers sometimes. I have been writing something all day, and it’s a really slow process because it’s so personal and so sensitive. I made a lot of progress, but I was nowhere near done. Now, everything I wrote is gone. Deleted. 

I really just want to cry and throw things at walls and punch things.