the other way

I would never allow myself to think as irrationally as I do in dreams. My mind is the one thing I can ever be in complete control of…except I can’t. Obviously there is this whole realm of mind existence that I can’t even consciously tap into, let alone control. That fact scares me almost as much as the dreams themselves do.

I can’t afford to think like my dream mind does. Megan reminds me too much of Kaira. Next year is a ridiculously scary concept without it coming up in dreams. She would never, ever say that. I would never think that.

I cannot even begin to think what to do with this.

I hate when I dream/remember my dreams. I know we all dream every night, but I rarely remember. The past 9 or 10 months, I’ve probably remembered as many dreams upon waking as I have in my whole life, but lately that’s gone away, probably because I’m finally busy again.

Until about 20 minutes ago.

This wasn’t a dream I woke up with, so I’m not even sure why I remember it.

Someone was trying to get a hold of me. I kept waking up (within the dream), thinking my phone was buzzing, deciding it hadn’t gone off, and going immediately back to sleep. But it was like I was dreaming in first person and third person at the same time, and my third person awareness knew for certain that I was getting calls and texts from a friend, and that friend was in trouble and needed my help. But I didn’t know who it was. Meanwhile, my first person awareness was still waking up periodically (within the dream), saw the text and missed call notifications, but couldn’t read the name so decided it wasn’t important and kept going right back to sleep. 

I hate dreaming, in this subconscious, nighttime sense. It’s creepy. Even if it’s a “good” dream, if I remember it upon waking, it pretty much freaks me the fuck out. This scared me and made me feel way too vulnerable. I’ve been feeling extremely vulnerable lately, so this added amount is not okay. I hate feeling powerless; I was powerless to help, powerless to communicate, and all about someone I care for. I just have a lot of feelings about this right now….most of which I can’t articulate. Frustrating.

This is not a good way for my day to start. 

I just remembered that I had a dream last night where my music theory/ear training teacher had graded my CWRR paper and handed it back to me saying I got a C-. And it wasn’t written like anything I would write, not in my style at all. And he individually circled everything that was wrong, every letter, in red pen, as if to say “How could you possibly hand this crap in?”

Anyway.