Why am I doing this? Why now? How am I approaching this mentally?
First of all, I was inspired by Nikki’s list two years ago. I didn’t know if I could take on this kind of challenge at that point, though. I was a completely different person then; in fact, looking back on that part of my life feels like seeing someone else’s memories. Anyway, roundabout the turn of the last new year, Nikki posted an updated version of her list with the things she accomplished, and I again thought it was some something I wanted to do, but this time I knew I could take it on. So I started making a list. It took me two weeks, but I finally had 101 things that I was satisfied with.
I wanted things I knew would challenge me to push past fears and other things I let limit myself. I wanted things I knew I could do, but didn’t know if I would do otherwise. I’m very goal oriented and always have been. It’s great to have mental goals, but writing them down is quite another thing. It commits me to them, I guess. Makes them something I can see and touch. And for that same reason it was dually important that I write them down, at least originally, as opposed to typing them out.
It’s just as important that this is happening now. If I’d attempted this at any other point in my life, I can say with utmost certainty that I would have failed, if not by abandoning the project, by putting stupid (for me) things on the list in the first place. It had to be now. August brought on a whirlwind of change for me: new school, new people, new place to live, changing relationships…I was figuring out how to live and love and learn here without getting hurt. It was a big change, but it pales in comparison to what the last three months of my life have been like.
Life doesn’t just go along as it always has until some big change upheaves it, although the biggest, fastest changes can make this seem true. Life is a series of changes and nothing more. Each of us grows and changes every day and more, and the world changes with us; I firmly believe that and always have. These last three months have just made it so apparent.
At first, back in mid-October, there were a few big changes. A new job that makes me constantly adapt and, with that, the liberation of finally not having to look for a job. A new perspective and mentality that I literally was slapped across the face with and completely embraced in one night. More important than and inseparable from both those things, though, was this new person who emerged and the friendship with her that I’m now immersed in.
It’s impossible to talk about why this is the time to take on such a challenge without talking about my life right now, and it’s impossible to talk about my life right now or for the past few months without talking about Jess. Being with her in the most literal sense has become a great constant in my life: it’s been constant changes, constant challenges to my thinking, constant questioning, constant storytelling, constant sharing, and constantly letting fear slip through my fingers. I could say so much more, but that’s what’s relevant, especially that it all adds up to not being afraid…not feeling like I have to be afraid or have anything to be afraid of.
I’ve lived in fear all my life, and let fear dictate too many (but really, one is too many) decisions for me. This fearlessness that I’ve felt/let happen/achieved being with Jess is what makes this the time for this list, the time to write down goals, and the time to make changes in my life along with accepting the ones that come my way. I want this fearlessness to pervade my life and become a quality of my being. And it will.
It’s in that spirit that this list was created and in that spirit I will go about accomplishing it.
This is not a self-contained project. It’s all-encompassing. That’s all.
